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Well, good or bad, 2013 is officially over. Any regrets? Any love lost or lessons learned? I've done quite a bit of soul searching, and after years of wringing my hands, wondering what I could have done differently, or how I could have changed this or that, particularly in my relationships and in dealing with past trauma, I'm happy to say I'm feeling some definite closure; and it all sprung from this epiphany:

"Other peoples's crazy ain't got nothin' to do with me."


There. I said it. And can I tell you how liberating it is?
Don Miguel Ruiz was so right; nothing others do or think is because of me. Instead, their words and actions are projections of their own "dream." All that baggage I've carried over the years, had nothing to do with me. 


I have allowed myself to become a victim of my own needless suffering. 


That person who hated on me? I felt so unlovable; ashamed, even for reaching out for love. But the truth is, he was a hater. Hater's hate. Something in me was a reflection of some insecurity or past negative experience that he didn't want to see. 


He hated on me because my belief system challenged his belief system and he got scared.  

 Not my issue.



That friend who cut me out of her life when, out in the woods, conflicts came up that had nothing to do with me, so she tore up our whole Rainbow kitchen taking half our crew?  I stayed behind and did shanti sena work, creating peace where there was none, just some crazy juju that had most all of us at the Gathering bat shit crazy under a meteor shower. That friend who I loved isolated herself and never spoke to me again.


Not my issue.


Those family members who haven't spoken to me in years?


Not my issue.


Those folks who won't eat my food because it's sprouting in jars on my counter, but hey, that's okay, they saw a McDonalds down the road?


Not my issue.

My adult daughter's boyfriend, whom I met for the first time upon his crashing my birthday party, (which was all kinds of amazing, and how could it not be? I had a peacock in my hair!) who posted shitty things on Facebook about douchebags and hippies, and then locked my hippies out of my house?

Not my issue.

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The only real issue in my life, is being present in my own life, actively participating in creating my own dream. And having come to that conclusion, I feel giddy with power, as if I had huge fat kindergarten sized crayons and could make broad, sweeping creative improvements to my life, any way I want.


I can dress like a ballerina and learn to ride on the back of an elephant if I want to; and why not?

I can play the guitar. I can dance in wild circles until I crash into a heap on the floor, dizzy from spinning. I can paint a handlebar mustache on my face. I can practice kirtan at the Wellsprings, and after, soak, naked, in the mineral pools with new friends. I can hand out sleeping bags to the homeless. I can volunteer in the community garden in the spring. I can file for divorce. I can take a lover.
I've never had success in being faithful to follow my New Year's Resolutions; I have to strain to remember them after a few days, in the same way I forget to buy bread at the grocery store. I suspect the core issue is that, in creating a list of resolutions, I create myself as a taskmaster, burdening myself with things I should do, rather than what I want to do. My joy in life unfurls, rather than vibrating, tense with pleasure, I experience self-assigned criticisms when I can't possibly measure up. 

Who says I need to exercise more, anyways? And If they do, who cares? 

Its not my issue.

Other peoples's crazy ain't got nothin' to do with me.




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